I recently went back on medication for my mental health... and I was a little bit disappointed in myself
It has been an awfully long time since I've updated this blog. But now seems a good time to shake the dust off my keyboard given that:
Mental Health Awareness Week just took place;
It's the first of the month, which is when the hashtag #postmypill trends on social media (with a view to destigmatising medication for mental health);
My mental health has not had the easiest time this year and, by writing about it, it may help other lawyers in my position to feel a little less alone.
Even though this blog has been live for so long and I have been banging on about mental health since I started my career as a barrister, it still feels very scary to write openly about this sort of thing.
Even though I have years of evidence to rebut my unhelpful thoughts ("no one will instruct me again"/"others in the profession will think I can't hack it"/"clients will think I'm useless"), that doesn't mean the thoughts disappear. I still fear judgment. I still fear others thinking less of me for struggling with my mental health.
2026 has been very difficult for me and my mental health has been impacted immensely for various reasons. Earlier this year, I started taking medication again for my mental health. I posted a video about this on my running Instagram page but thought I would repurpose it for this blog as I suspect my colleagues in the law are not too interested in my mediocre running (but if you are, you can follow me @malvika.plods).
I have been on and off medication for nearly a decade. I was incredibly resistant to taking medication at first. I was terrified of being diagnosed with anything or of having a label that might follow me around for the rest of my life. I was worried others would think I wasn't emotionally resilient and that taking medication was some reflection of my capacity to do this job. All those fears and worries meant I spent years putting off accessing a form of treatment that would have helped me feel better.
My anxiety and intrusive thoughts could be, at times, debilitating. My favourite time of the day used to be those few moments when I woke up, before my brain had really kicked into gear and before I started thinking. My thoughts would spiral catastropically. I remember dropping an orange on the street whilst waiting for a bus and calling my mother to ask her to go to the bus stop and pick up the orange; I was terrified a car would skid on it and cause a pile-up.
At the time, just a decade ago, I don't think we really had a vocabulary to express mental ill-health in the way we do now. My understanding of mental health (and the understanding of those around me) was limited and I just could not understand why I couldn't just sort myself out and be happy.
When I spoke to my GP, I was insistent on trying everything but medication. I pushed for talking therapy. I remember my GP telling me that I could engage in talking therapy, but my brain was going so fast I probably wouldn't take in the techniques. He suggested that medication could slow my brain down. I remained resistant.
Eventually, the sheer exhaustion of being in my brain ground me down and I started taking medication.
It was transformative. I still cannot believe the impact taking anti-depressants had on me. The noise in my brain disappeared overnight. I had been worried about medication numbing my emotions or numbing me as a person, but the medication allowed me the breathing space to be myself again.
Over the years, there have been periods of time where my mental health has been very good and I have come off the medication... and then I have gone back on medication. If I'm being totally honest, every time I have to restart medication, I feel disappointed with myself. ("I thought I was fixed! I thought we'd solved this problem!") Obviously, that's not how it works, but I still feel shame for having to rely on something that other people don't need.
I don't know if I'm going to be one of those people who, maybe, can't come off medication. Life is long and mental health fluctuates. What I do know is that, in the past, that fear of being seen differently and of being someone people don't respect, has stopped me from taking the steps I needed to take to look after myself much earlier.
The theme of Mental Health Awareness Week this year was 'Action' and it got me thinking about how the stigma around medication and mental ill-health paralysed me into inaction. It frustrates me that I didn't help myself sooner because of all my worries about how I would be perceived.
This isn't a post encouraging you to take medication or SSRIs; that is an incredibly personal, individual decision. However, it is a post to encourage you not to allow fear or shame to stop you from taking action to safeguard your mental health.
Even for someone like me - who spends so much time talking about this issue - it isn't easy to extricate myself from the tentacles of the stigma surrounding mental ill-health. I shouldn't be disappointed in myself for needing medication. I should be proud of myself for going to a doctor, telling them how I feel and getting the help I needed to feel better.
Further resources:
Advice from Mind about how to get help from your GP for mental healthn (as well as advice on what to do if your GP does not help)
Advice from the NHS about how to talk about your mental health
Advice from the Mental Health Foundation about how to support someone struggling with their mental health
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